Wednesday, December 06, 2006

My motherhood failures...

You know things are bad if Jack has the paci. Not just bad, terrible. This is a daytime sight that is never seen in our home. Jack with the paci. It's for sleeping only. Not today. I gave in. The incessant screaming over the past few days became too much for me to handle.

If you know me, you know my disdain for the pacifier. I hate it. Really, really hate it. I think I'm as fixated on hating it as Jack is on sucking on it. I see kids running around with pacis in their mouths & it turns my stomach. It really does. I think because I fear that Jack is still going to want it when he's 3 and 4 and 5. And, it makes me mad that a little piece of plastic somehow offers him more comfort than his mother who grew him & nursed him & hugs him & loves him. I wonder if it's akin to smoking for babies. I wonder if kids gain weight when the paci is taken away like people do when they stop smoking.

As you can see from my paci rant, it's been a horrible morning. I went to a women's group at church and had to leave early with Jack, stopping to sob in the bathroom for about 10 minutes on my way out. And then in the car. And then at home. He's been a crank for the past few days. I'm wondering if those 2 year molars are already making their way to the surface, because he just cries & whines & fusses all day long. Or he could be bored. Or just out of sorts. Our house is in boxes & we spent the weekend shuffling around between friends & family due to the power outage (during which all of our food spoiled!). Maybe he just senses our stress. I wish he could tell me.

I really love Jack & don't like to complain. I love spending time with him, but when we have a few days like this in a row I tend to lose my fragile grip on reality!

So, I've been self medicating with Diet Dr. Pepper & if we had chocolate, I would be eating that too. In fact, if I knew of a box in which I had packed some chocolate, I would find the box & dig it out.


Kaele said...

The store is never too far away for a chocolate run! ;-) I'll be praying for your move and for your dear Jack. The up-side to these terrible days is that we appreciate the good days even more! "No failures, just phases" is my motto! I'm sure we make mistakes, but kids are pretty durable! Lots of things seems to end as fast as they started! ;-)

jewel. said...

I'm sure that there is for every mother a point of wondering how their precious angel can drive them to near insanity. And many parents never expect the feeling that sneaks up on them of wanting to nearly strangle their little one out of desperation for some peace.It's common-don't beat yourself up about it. He's putting you through a crash course training on how to be the best mommy in the whole wide world. With training like this, how can you fail?
Hang in there and do the best that you can. Self medicating with DP and chocolate is something that should be encouraged if it's working. You are a wonderful, beautiful and strong woman!! Beyond that--remember where your strength and beauty come from.